Lucien gathered his staff in the break room before the bar opened for the evening.
"I want you to be on your best behavior tonight. We have a dignitary coming in."
The new demon bartender looked confused.
"When you say 'best behavior,' do you mean best behavior as in human standards or worst behavior because we're evil?"
Lucien sighed. It was so hard to find good help these days.
"I know you're evil. I meant no screw-ups, got it? Death and Chronos will be in later—"
"But, boss, they're not dignitaries. We see them all the time on poker night."
Evil eyed the bubble-headed waitress with disdain.
"Stop interrupting me when I'm talking, Lilith…and get rid of the gum."
The succubus took the wad from her mouth and stuck it under the tabletop.
"As I was saying, Death and Chronos will be in later to make sure that everything is set up right for Gaia's visit. She only stops in once in a blue moon so I want everything to go smoothly."
"Will she be wantin' fancy snacks?"
Lucien wanted to wipe the sneer from the little Scotsman's face, but the soul from purgatory was the only cook small enough to fit in the minuscule kitchen. He puffed double-time on his cigar, trying to calm down.
"She wants tofu on the menu."
"Tofu? I quit." The cook threw his apron on the floor.
"Don't be a loon. You can't quit," Lilith said and cracked a new piece of gum she'd snuck in her mouth.
The bartender raised his hand.
"So you want us to be evil but not screw up, right?"
Lucien waved his hand and the floor opened, swallowing the lot into the flames below.
When Death and Chronos arrived, they found Lucien tending bar.
"Where's your staff, my friend?" Death asked.
"I'm a little short-handed tonight."
"You sent them all to hell again, didn't you?" Chronos laughed as steam spewed out of Lucien's ears.
Death grabbed the bowl of peanuts and tossed one into his eye socket, immediately snorting it back out through his nasal cavity.
"These are the worst peanuts I've ever tasted. What's wrong with them?"
Chronos sniffed the bowl. "They're not real peanuts. They're tofu."
©2010 Laura Eno
